Its Been a While.

Why today, why am I writing today, it has been so long that I forgot my password, so what makes today a day when I need to write?  I'm honestly not sure.....just missing her so much.  Still almost impossible to believe it has been a little over 2 years.  Where did the time go?  How has she been gone so long when I feel like I just let go of her hand?  I still pick up the phone to call her, not as often as before, but it still happens....I get to the mailbox in the morning and reach for my phone to call a mom who is no longer on the other end.  There are days I wonder if I'll ever stop hurting for her.  Tristyn got glasses today and my mom would be so tickled and all I want to do is send her a picture and hear her laugh at me complaining that they have my eyes.  Why can't I hear my mom laugh, my best friend....I just need her today.  Bryce is turning 11 and I want my momma, I want to ask her so many questions, ones that weren't important to raising girls 2 years ago, but are now.  I want to drink a cup of coffee with her and to hold her hand like I would even as an adult.  I'd give anything to sit by her tub as she takes her bubble bath and just talk.....about anything and everything.  Some days just hurt so much that it is hard to move forward, but I keep putting on the smile and moving forward because I need to and she'd want me to.  She hated to see me cry, and although I hate crying, sometimes my soul just needs to let go of the pain a little.  So, why today.....why not today?  Why not let myself feel the hurt just for a bit before the day gets too loud and the night grows dark, why not miss the most amazing woman I've ever known?  Tomorrow will come and my smile will hide the sadness I feel right now with Christmas coming, but until then I'll miss my momma.

Too Many Days

It has been too many days since I've heard my mother's voice, too many days since I've had a conversation with her, too many days since I've felt her arms surround me in love, too many days since I've smelled her, too many days since I've seen her crooked toes, too many days since I've heard her call me Sunshine, too many days since my girls have talked to their Laly, too many days that they've missed her, too many days that I've ached for my mother, too many days of feeling alone, too many days of my dad needing her, too many days of my brother needing her, too many days, too many days, too many days. There are times I think it is all a bad dream and that she'll call, or show up at my door, even after too many days I still feel this. I still think about her all the time, even after too many days she fills my heart and my mind. How do the days continue to click away when there have already been too many that have passed without her. I've had too many days of feeling this way, too many days of needing to cry, but holding back. I need my mom, in too many ways, it has just been too many days.

"(Day) Dream Believer"

Take out the Day in my title and you get dream believer!!! For months I've been praying to dream of my mom, not a memory, but a dream. A few weeks ago, I quit asking and prayed to God saying...You know my heart and my needs, if You want me to dream of her, it will happen in Your time. I can wait Lord, but please remember me. It happened, it finally happened. I swam at 5am this morning then laid down for a little while while the house woke up. I fell asleep and had the most beautiful dream of my mom. I can close my eyes and see each and every detail. I was in a room that wasn't familiar and had an overwhelming sense of missing her, but I could feel her close....strange. I remember then being outside somewhere and there being two chairs, both large and worn in the middle of grass that was making its way through the dirt....growth for lack of a better description. I sat in a chair and looked to my left and she was there....peace filled my heart and joy bounced around in my soul. I just looked in her eyes and said "I miss you mom" (of all things I've wanted to say I surely thought I could think of something better than this), she looked in my eyes and said "Its ok, I miss you too". My dream ended there, or at least I think it did...I don't remember anything else, but I woke up feeling such peace. I feel like I talked to my mom this morning the way I did every day when she was alive. My day has continued with its hectic pace that is the norm, but I've felt such joy and peace. I also felt a need to fix things with my dad, that somehow when she told me it was ok, that she was telling me that it would work out and to put my heart out there and trust. The joy I have in my heart at this moment is overwhelming and until I dream of her again, I have the memory of our early morning chat to hold on to. So, call me a "Dream Believer" if you will, I believe in my time with my mom and am thankful that He blessed me with her today.
Mel
Jeremiah 29:11

The Days of New

You've heard it said, "the days of old", well today as I reflect on my life I think of the days of new. For everything has changed and is new in my life with my mom gone. Things I once took for granted are works of beauty in my life that I am ever grateful for. Desires I once had have become a thing of the past, I desire today, to love and to be loved...the moment means the most to me now. Memories have now become not an occasional flash, but moments that I play over and over in my heart so that I can be sure to imprint them for eternity. Loss of my mother has taught me to slow down, to look at each person in my life as new, and to treat each one with a new sense of appreciation for the gift of their friendship. I enjoy my girls more and more each day, not to say that I didn't enjoy them before, but I was so worried about getting things right, keeping a nice home, making a nice meal, keeping their hair nice and outfits matched, that I sometimes forgot to soak in the joy that only children can bring into life. My mom was good at this, she could soak up the girls for days and just loved every moment of them. I'm learning to do this, to let go and to enjoy each moment. I'm a better wife, a better mother, and better friend. I'd like to say I'm a better daughter, but lately my dad and I have been having much difficulty. I'm not sure if it is because we both hurt so much that it is hard to communicate with each other, but for now I'm leaving my dad to Him and praying that we can work through this and reunite with joy. I've finally learned to listen for God, to take the quiet in and to really dedicate my heart to Him and listen for His prompts. Sometimes I think He must get frustrated with me and want to hit me over the head with a baseball bat, but He is patient and loving as I work my way to Him. Each day that mom is gone feels like an eternity, some days I feel like I just talked to her about a bunch of useless stuff but most days it feels like a lifetime ago that life was right side up. People say that time heals and I want to believe this, in fact I've vested much hope in this, but it is actually the seconds, minutes, and hours that make up that time that seem to drag on and make it hard to believe that I'll ever be that carefree again. Remember the first time you road your bike, I mean really road it...no fear, just the wind in your face and the feeling of flying, and then do you remember that first fall? Getting back up on that bike was scary, the bike didn't change, you did, your perception of the bike changed. Life is kinda like that for me right now, I haven't physically changed in any way, nor has my existence, but I've been thrown from life and am now a little scared of it. I'm scared of true abandonment and letting myself completely go because I know what true hurt is now, I know how it feels to have the wind knocked out of you and to not be able to breathe no matter how hard you try. I know how my heart feels after being torn from my chest while holding my mom's hand while she breathed her last breath. Time heals, but getting to that time of healing is one of the most difficult times I've ever had. The days of new are upon us, it is what I do now that determines whether or not I'll ever be brave enough to get back on that bike.
Jeremiah 29:11
Mel

Mother's Day

Mother's Day has taken on a whole new meaning for me this year...it is one of tears and smiles, one of sadness and joy, one of loss and gain, one of hurt and healing. It has been a roller coaster to say the least. My heart aches in a way I never knew it could today. I've had hard days since I lost mom, but today is the worst...I just feel empty, I need her today more than ever. Perhaps it is just a culmination of the joy I felt yesterday as my Sissy received Christ for the first time in the Eucharist. I'm not sure, but today as I walk through this pain I'm reminded that it is when I feel this way He is truly there for me. Thing is, I can't feel Him, I need Him to lift my heart out of darkness and pull it into light, but in this moment, I just feel empty. If the tomb could talk that Easter Sunday I bet it felt the same. For three days, only three days it held the most precious gift the world would ever have and then it was empty. The emptiness was probably overwhelming...to know the light to know the way then to feel the emptiness leaves an ever bigger hole. I can relate in a way... she was my mom and she taught me all I know- her being filled me with light, love, and knowledge, and today I just need to tell her thank you, did I tell her thank you enough when she was here...God I hope so. My sweet Sissy just told me that she "just wants her Laly back"...me too sweet girl, I'd give about anything right now for just a moment. But then she'd be gone again and like the tomb I'd be empty. I truly believe that one day I won't feel this way, but for now I ache for my momma. I just ache. I've cried today, I've laughed today. I find such pain in losing my mom, but such joy in being a mom. I wanted to be happy for my girls today, but I keep crying. Every smile is followed by a tear, each laugh is followed by a feeling of loss....I've said it before and I'll say it again, when will it end? The tomb was empty and Christ rose to be at the right hand of His Father....maybe the tomb wasn't empty...maybe it was filled with a joy and a hope that from the outside couldn't be seen, but as time passed spread out to the world...it flooded the world with hope because only in it's being empty could we find Salvation. Perhaps only in my emptiness can I find true joy again....maybe I needed today to truly feel that complete and utter abondenment to move into a time when I can only feel joy and peace from what I had. The tomb held Christ, I held my mom. I pray that what she taught me, the strength she shared, the love she poured out to me, the joy the carried, the trust she showed will pour out of me into my girls and to those around me. Lord help me today as I feel so empty, please help me find the happiness that is behind the stone that rolled away.
Melanie
Jeremiah 29:11

Only the Lonely

Only the lonely know what it is like to sit at a table in a cute coffee shop with a truly inspiring woman and share awesome thoughts, yet still feel completely alone. Alone, must we be alone to feel His warmth, is it only is isolation that we are able to truly draw near to Him. In my loneliness do I truly seek His Holiness.....does loneliness lead to holiness??? Good question, look at many of the Saints...so many suffered illnesses that left them alone, but were they truly alone? Are you alone when you are only with Him? Sometimes even with the business of life I feel such solitude, while sitting at a softball game coaching 11 girls, while at the grocery store among throngs of people, while at dinner with my family.....it is not the same loneliness I've felt when I'm just in need of another human, this one is a loneliness that has a longing....a longing for Him for His Holiness. Does my longing for His Holiness lead me to loneliness? Does my loneliness lead me to a longing for His Holiness? I'm not sure yet which it is yet. I would like to contribute this loneliness to losing my mom, blame it on the utter need to hear her voice, to know her opinion, to share in laughter with her.....but sometimes I wonder if He has used her death to teach me a lesson that I'm trying not to learn. I often get in His way...I'm notorious for hearing His voice and thinking I know better...I'm learning though, that through silence and through loneliness I open myself to Him and to His will. My heart aches for my mom, but then I remember that she is not lonely anymore, she is with Him and has found her home in His holiness. Dear Lord, I open my heart to You, to Your Will in my life. Teach me to embrace those lonely times as an opportunity to listen for you. Help me to find strength in my solitude and to find peace in You.
Jeremiah 29:11
Mel

The Days of Pain

When you lose someone you love, there are days of pain. You expect days to hurt, you wait for the pain, you anticipate the utter despair, but what happens when the days turn into months. In three days it will be six months since my mom breathed her last breath, I knew what to expect in the beginning, I knew there would be tears, pain, suffering, but I no longer know what to expect....the unknown is frightening. Today, while at the grocery store, the pain hit me like a cinder block to the heart. Here I am, just need my milk and cereal, so I mindlessly pick up my items and begin to the check out...and there they are at least a dozen mom and daughter teams. Getting ready for Easter, sharing a smile, a basket, something only a mother and daughter can share and there it is, mom is gone, I'll never do this with her again. Easter, oh my gosh Easter is just days away and I've done nothing....it took me a bit to realize that I avoid pain by avoiding holidays, I've done the same for their birthdays and for Tristyn's upcoming First Communion...I wait until the last minute and then rush around like a crazy woman so there is no time to think or miss her or be sad...I drown myself in stress. It always hits though, at some point all of the occasions hit, whether I want it or not, and at the worst times (in the check out line at HEB). I cried, tears ran down my face as I punched in my pin and gathered my things. With each step I wept and my heart ached for my mom, for just one more Easter with her, just one more time....just one more. As we close in on the Holiest Week in our Catholic Faith, I weep for my mom, I weep for Mary who watched her Son die on a cross and I weep for joy in His rising from the dead so that I, a sinner may one day be reunited with my mom. Life comes full circle this Easter, Christ died so that I can enter into my Heavenly Home with Him and our Father someday. He opened the gates so that my mother could rest with His, He opened Himself so that I may find Him at all times in the Eucharist. He allows me to even for a fleeting moment in Mass to feel my mom whole and with me as I adore Him. He has given the greatest gift to me, the hope of a reunion with mom. There are days lately that I just can't breathe, I almost feel like I'm drowning, but it is in those moments that I feel His hand reach down to me and lift me up....I find myself in the parking lot at church ready to go to 8am Mass even though I have no makeup on and really didn't intend to go, yet somehow I'm there and I'm walking in to spend time with Him. In the days of pain, the only relief I find is in Him. How can it be that my Lord would die for me, who am I to be worthy of His love that he would give up His life so that someday I may have life with Him and be reunited with my mom. This Easter, although I'm desperate for my mom, I find that I'm desperate for Him, for His love and grace. In this desperation I find peace during the days of pain.
In Christ,
Melanie
Jeremiah 29:11

NOT AGAIN

My grandmother is dying. There I said it, she is in the process of dying due to kidney failure. Process of dying, what does that mean, how long do I have left with her, is she in pain, how much can her 88 year old body endure?? These are the questions that plague me, at all hours, they sneak up on me and leave me with only more questions. The biggest question I have is "What would mom do?" What would she do, would she force her into a nursing home, would she push for dialysis, would she try to remove Bruce from the situation, would she call in Hospice, what would my mom do?? I will never know what mom would do, and although I'd give anything for a sneak peak into the future just to ensure that I did what mom would do, I can't do that. I have to trust Him, I have to lean into Him and let Him guide me. My grandmother is a very difficult woman to love, she is closed off and rarely shows emotion, but I love her, as much as a grandchild can love a grandparent I love my Nanny. She is a connection to my mom, so her death will rock me, I know this already and am planning already for my heart to find safety in my family. How will I feel when she breathes her last breath, will I be there, am I strong enough to do this again, without my mom there to walk me through it. I sometimes want to scream "NOT AGAIN", but it was never up to me and never will be. It has only been a little over 4 months since mom died (I really hate that word, but what do you say...passed, went home, went to eternal peace, passed away, went with God....I hate them all- and trust me I've tasted them all to see which one was the sweetest and easiest to say.) Only 4 months since I lost my mom (another one....lost..really...I know where she is so that doesn't count as being lost right??) and I'm here walking the same path with Nanny. This time however I'm armed with more wisdom and more humility. I'm blessed to be by her side and intend to make the most of it. This afternoon was spent asking her questions about her childhood and her young adult life and writing down the answers this time so I don't forget them. Although my Nanny is a very difficult lady I've always had a beautiful connection with her and have always felt very blessed to have her as a part of my life. Bathing her and cleaning up after her the past two days has solidified in my heart even more my call to nursing. I felt Him move in me when mom was dying and I took a jump, a big one. I resigned from school and registered for Nursing school.....here I go Lord, catch me...PLEASE. To be able to care for the life of someone who our God created is such a gift and one that I am ready for, I'm ready for the heartbreak and for the beauty of life and death. For now though, I pray for the strength to hold my grandmother's hand as she walks the path to our Lord and although my heart wants to scream NOT AGAIN, I ask myself, why not again. I'm ready for this because I have Him and He will carry me through....those foot prints in the sand will belong to Him. Lord thank you for the life of my Nanny, thank you for blessing her with all of her years, please take her home peacefully to you so that she can be joined in love with Poppa and my beautiful mom. Amen.
Peace in Christ,
Melanie
Jeremiah 29:11

The Simple Things

There are so many simple things in life that on a normal day we take for granted....well I used to take for granted, not any more though. One of the biggest lessons I learned from losing my mom is that there is no guarantee and that every moment is a gift....it is the simple things that count. We celebrated Thanksgiving with my in laws this year...first for that, why did we wait so long? Why did it take losing mom to finally get us all together for a holiday. I had all of my family in one place...minus the two biggest people in my world that is...mom and Eric. Eric was in Ohio to be with Larry during his time of need so I celebrated Thanksgiving with his parents, my bro and sis in law, my dad, my brother, my Nanny, and for the first time in over 10 years...my uncle. The day was nice, but I couldn't help asking myself...why, why did we wait so long to do this...all I've ever wanted is for our families to come together and this year it happened. This was a simple thing, the joining of two families, but it was HUGE and I'll never forget it. I miss my mom so much, the simple things...her voice, her smell, her touch.....all of her. Being home with Dad and Nathan in a home that she created was hard, it tore me up to think of the two of them surrounded by her all the time. I cleaned out her bathroom so that Dad could move his stuff in- she kicked him out years ago....he willingly shared with Bubba. It took me a couple hours to go through the bathroom....the bathroom....I can't imagine what going through every room in the house will be like. Like I told my dad, we'll have to do it a room at a time....slow and steady. The urn was on the shelf and I noticed it right away...hard to think that her physical self is on the shelf in the living room. I'm mostly just rambling today, no clear thoughts, but sometimes that is all I have.....random thoughts that make no sense at all. The simple things like watching the weather make me miss her, the smell of a book make me miss her, the sound of the soap opera she watched forever make me miss her, making dinner makes me miss her, feeling sick makes me miss her, my girls being happy makes me miss her....the simple things make me miss her. Someday I'll find comfort in these simple things, but for now the simple things are the hardest for me....missing her has become a part of my breathing....
Jeremiah 29:11
Mel

When Will It End

Oh, when will it end? I ask myself this question sometimes on an hourly basis, but today, it just lingers in the air, heavy. Uncle Charlie went to be with his son Bobby and my mom last night and although I know he is no longer in pain and that his suffering is over, it still hurts like hell. Part of me doesn't want to feel anymore, the pain gets so deep at times and feels so heavy, but I know that it is through this pain that I am growing. I don't want to grow anymore, I don't want to feel this way anymore, when will it end? Seeing Larry last night was so hard, knowing what he is facing in the coming days makes my heart ache and now my cousins are doing the same things I did only a month ago. Tomorrow marks one month, how did that happen? How can time stand still and fly past at the same time. I feel like I'm living in a vacuum. The world keeps spinning, day turns to night, but my heart doesn't feel any lapse, I only feel sad. I still yearn to hear her voice, to smell her scent, to touch her hand, only now it feels different, a distant memory. I don't want the memory of her, I want her, I need her. I don't know how to do this, Thanksgiving is this week and I don't know how to do this. I don't WANT to do this, I don't want to go on like she wasn't here, I can't pretend to be thankful this year b/c I'm not, I can't thank Him for another wonderful year when it has been the worst year of my life. Yet somehow, when I pray, my heart feels gratitude, I don't want to and it is not intended, but my heart feels grateful.....for the time with her, for the memories, for the love, for the hope of a reunion. What will it feel like next month, in one year, five, 20, when will it end?
Jeremiah 29:11
Mel

Broken and Weary

My burden is easy my yoke is so light, if you need rest come to me.......I've really been leaning into Him today. It has been probably the hardest day since we lost mom. My friend Larry's mom went to the Lord this morning, expected, but unexpected...he just came home from being with her in Ohio on Thursday. My heart aches for him.....I told Eric that I'd like to take his pain away since I'm already there, I could just bear it for him and my wise and loving husband said "No, we will all have to feel this someday...". It just hurts so much and I'm just so raw that seeing him in a couple hours terrifies me.....to see the reflection of my pain in his eyes will break me again, I'm sure of it. My dad called about an hour ago, it is always so hard to hear his voice, I can hear the pain each time and I know he misses her so much. ....my heart breaks for him. He called to let me know that Uncle Charlie will probably go home to God within the next 24 hours....too much, I'm too weary today, I can't, I'm just too broken. God, I can't bear this....I give it to You, please, You said if we need rest to come to You. I need rest, because I'm tired of being broken and weary. I want to scream out in pain, the pain I feel for Larry, the pain I feel for Daddy, the pain I feel for Cindy, the pain I feel for Aunt Joan, the pain I feel for my girls, the pain I feel for Chad, for Nathan, for Joyce, for Natalie, for Libby, for my husband, for me....I just feel so much pain, it just hurts too much right now, I'm broken and weary....please Lord. I feel You in my brokenness, I hear you in my weariness, I know that you are there carrying me, please Lord, get me through this, give me the strength I need to endure this broken and weary time in my life.
Jeremiah 29:11
Melanie

Ashes to Ashes

We hear it said often....well at least once a year, but what does it mean to me? I did it, I confronted the fact today that my mom's remains are now ashes....she wanted to be cremated for as long as I can remember. I can remember being young and knowing that her wishes were to be cremated when her time came. Well since it came 4 weeks ago my mother, although I'm sure her spirit and soul are now in Heaven is now ashes in a beautiful urn that my dad, brother, and I picked out. So, what does this mean, Adam was created from dust and Eve from Adam so in reality we are all created from dust. I can't even wrap my mind around what this means, God, our God is so awesome and mighty that He breathed His Spirit...the Holy Spirit on the Earth and into the dust and created Adam. Why, He is all knowing and all being, He knew that we would hurt Him and that He'd have to send His only Son to save us and that only by His Son's death and Resurrection could He be truly joined with us again. How painful it must have been to bring all this into play, He knew the end, but He must also have know that through the misery and pain there would be joy and hope. Maybe that is why, He knew joy and He knew hope and wanted to share these with someone who'd feel them too. For what is love if it is not joy and hope. He loved us so much from the beginning that He began this for us to teach us so that when we finally make our way to Him we will be prepared to worship Him with all the joy and hope He has shared with us over our years. I knew my mom was dying, we all are really, we are born to be made ready to spend eternity in Heaven so in truth we are born to die. He knew when He created my mother that she would join Him someday and He filled her life with joy and with hope. What a gift she received from Him who gives the greatest of gifts and now that she is with the Saints and Angels worshiping Him in Heaven she knows love, His love in its truest form. My mom's body is ashes, it has once again become what it was....in the beginning. Her wishes were to have her ashes spread in the ocean and if you're Catholic like me you stop and say uh oh, how do I do this with what the Church feels about cremation. Well, I'll tell you, you pray for peace and you seek guidance from your Priest-someone you trust and have faith in.....now he is only human, but it is that human aspect of Father Tony that helped me today to find peace with my mom's request. She will become one with earth again, with what she was created from. Adam's body was made from dust, his soul and spirit were given to him through God the Father breathing His Holy Spirit into him. My mom was no different, whether her body is now in a casket underground, or ashes in an urn, she has returned to Him. The part of her that He created with His love has returned to Him.
Jeremiah 29:11
Melanie

Mary my Mother, Laurie my Mother

Mary/Laurie, Mary/Laurie.....2 mothers. For my entire life I've had 2 mothers, one who has held and loved me and one who has only loved from a distance. No, I wasn't adopted and no I don't have a step mother, I have an earthly mother and a Heavenly one. I've always known this, have always prayed for Mary's intercession, but I've also had my own mother, the tangible one to hold me and to cling to. Now that I no longer have my earthly mother with me in the physical sense I'm lost. I think about her all the time, I miss her all the time, I want to hear her all the time, I want to smell her all the time, I want to feel her all the time....I want my momma all the time. As simple as a new child needs his/her mom, I need mine. I've always turned to my mom for advise...not always listening, but I've always gone to her, and now I can't and it is tearing me up. Not that I need any major advice or none that she could give since she never lost her mother, but just to be able to see her or hear her would bring peace. Peace, I've forgotten what that is for the moment, well almost forgotten. I had an experience on Monday that made me remember what peace is and it also struck my heart in a way that I should learn from, but am having a hard time understanding. To really be able to tell this I have to go back to about a year ago when I was given the gift of being able to pray in tongues. Ok, so sounds crazy, but it is as true as I'm typing these words. The Holy Spirit prays through my spirit and although I really don't understand the words I'm praying I understand the depth of prayer and emotion that come over me when I allow myself to pray in such an open way. Since mom died I've been afraid of prayer, real prayer....my human form can only say "Please God!" so I often find myself repeating this statement that is my only prayer. On Monday night in a meeting with beautiful Godly women we were praying prayer intentions and I just felt such pain and need from the women I was with and also felt such a need to pray for Mother/Daughter relationships. I began to pray for the first time since I said goodbye to mom....really pray. I prayed an intention for all mothers and daughters and then dropped my head and closed my eyes and allowed Him to pray through me. By Him I mean the Holy Spirit.....I felt it growing from my toes and could not contain my need to allow this to happen any more. So I prayed and although I knew not what I was saying I felt it , every bit of my spirit begging God to please help me and to please heal these women. I had a vision of Mary during this prayer and instead of leaning into her I pushed her away and thought to myself, no, I want my mom...I want Laurie, not you Mary. What you may say, but at the time I was so focused on my loss of my earthly mother that I couldn't bear to see my Heavenly one looking at me with such love. It wasn't until the next day when I slowly began to process what had happened that I began to realize a few things. First of all, yes my earthly mother is gone in the here and now, but she waits for me in eternity and one day we will be joined again and I'll feel even more love for her then than I do now. Secondly I learned that my Heavenly mother is who I really need to be fleeing to right now, she knows the pain of loss and can help me carry the pain that I am in. Mary in her love and mercy is here for me and with me now as she has always been, a loving mother, who although I can't feel or smell or hear, is constantly watching over me and is trying to comfort me in my darkness. I keep saying I want my momma, maybe I have the wrong one in mind, maybe I should be calling out to Mary to help me through this. Maybe my two mothers are now one in Spirit and are both watching over me and loving me with joy and happiness. Yes, I want my momma, I want my earthly mother, but perhaps it is time to realize that she is no longer here, that I no longer have a mother on earth and that she has now taken her place with her Mother, Mary and that the two of them will guide me through this and teach me if I allow myself to truly open to what He has waiting for me.
Jeremiah 29:11
Melanie

Late Night Thoughts

When I first began this blog, I thought I'd be writing about my joys and struggles of being a stay at home mom of three girls aged 2yrs, 4yrs, and 5 yrs....thus the name of the blog...A Day In The Life. Needless to say much time has passed (close to 4 yrs) since I thought about beginning this blog and I'm now at a completely different point in my life and believe this blog may be a nice outlet for my emotions and my new daily life. So, why Late Night Thoughts...well...b/c I was up all night thinking about Thank you Notes. Why thank you notes, what is so difficult about thank you notes you may ask yourself. Well, you'll ask yourself until you realize that these particular thank you notes are for flowers, donations to the American Cancer Society, and Mass intentions for my mother who passed away 25 days ago. My mom who was the most amazing person I know and who had only be diagnosed with cancer 4 weeks and one hour to the minute before she went home to be with God. So, that is why I couldn't sleep, I know I have to start these thank you notes b/c it is the right thing to do and I can hear my mom asking me "Did you send your thanks you notes yet?". No mom, I haven't...I don't know how to thank anyone for anything that had to do with me losing you. I don't want to thank anyone for sending flowers/plants b/c you died. I don't care to thank anyone for a donation to the American Cancer Society because you lost your life to cancer...NO. I just don't feel like thanking anyone for anything. Enough of my tantrum, I seem to be keeping together most of the time, well, almost most of the time, but I am human and my human heart is aching. Let me stop here to tell you about my mom. Amazing is the only word that comes to mind and it doesn't really seem to sum her up. She died just as she lived...on her own terms and when she was ready. She loved with more love than I've ever seen anyone love with. Her heart was as big as TX....I'm sure of it. She never met a stranger, would offer her brilliant smile to anyone....deserving or not. I've never known anyone who took so literally Christ when He said "No greater love does one have than one who would lay down his life for another." (will find the actual Scripture later....this was from memory and the wording may be a little off.) My mom would give the coat off her frozen back to help another. Self sacrifice was a way of life for her, her love for others would bring her to always place herself in the background. How can a love and a light as bright as hers be put out so soon? How do I move on from here? How can I be a mom without her gentle guidance? How do I truly say goodbye to my best friend? How do I continue to wake up each morning knowing that I will never hear her say "Good morning Sunshine!"? I don't know how to do this, so for now, I'll blog. The pile of thank you notes await, maybe I'll do them tomorrow.
Jeremiah 29:11
Mel

Birthday Girl

Well my little Sissy is 5 today and I am in disbelief! Time goes way too fast when they are little. Jo and I are headed up to her school to deliver cupcakes and sing Happy Birthday to my little Tinker Bell.