Only the Lonely

Only the lonely know what it is like to sit at a table in a cute coffee shop with a truly inspiring woman and share awesome thoughts, yet still feel completely alone. Alone, must we be alone to feel His warmth, is it only is isolation that we are able to truly draw near to Him. In my loneliness do I truly seek His Holiness.....does loneliness lead to holiness??? Good question, look at many of the Saints...so many suffered illnesses that left them alone, but were they truly alone? Are you alone when you are only with Him? Sometimes even with the business of life I feel such solitude, while sitting at a softball game coaching 11 girls, while at the grocery store among throngs of people, while at dinner with my family.....it is not the same loneliness I've felt when I'm just in need of another human, this one is a loneliness that has a longing....a longing for Him for His Holiness. Does my longing for His Holiness lead me to loneliness? Does my loneliness lead me to a longing for His Holiness? I'm not sure yet which it is yet. I would like to contribute this loneliness to losing my mom, blame it on the utter need to hear her voice, to know her opinion, to share in laughter with her.....but sometimes I wonder if He has used her death to teach me a lesson that I'm trying not to learn. I often get in His way...I'm notorious for hearing His voice and thinking I know better...I'm learning though, that through silence and through loneliness I open myself to Him and to His will. My heart aches for my mom, but then I remember that she is not lonely anymore, she is with Him and has found her home in His holiness. Dear Lord, I open my heart to You, to Your Will in my life. Teach me to embrace those lonely times as an opportunity to listen for you. Help me to find strength in my solitude and to find peace in You.
Jeremiah 29:11
Mel

The Days of Pain

When you lose someone you love, there are days of pain. You expect days to hurt, you wait for the pain, you anticipate the utter despair, but what happens when the days turn into months. In three days it will be six months since my mom breathed her last breath, I knew what to expect in the beginning, I knew there would be tears, pain, suffering, but I no longer know what to expect....the unknown is frightening. Today, while at the grocery store, the pain hit me like a cinder block to the heart. Here I am, just need my milk and cereal, so I mindlessly pick up my items and begin to the check out...and there they are at least a dozen mom and daughter teams. Getting ready for Easter, sharing a smile, a basket, something only a mother and daughter can share and there it is, mom is gone, I'll never do this with her again. Easter, oh my gosh Easter is just days away and I've done nothing....it took me a bit to realize that I avoid pain by avoiding holidays, I've done the same for their birthdays and for Tristyn's upcoming First Communion...I wait until the last minute and then rush around like a crazy woman so there is no time to think or miss her or be sad...I drown myself in stress. It always hits though, at some point all of the occasions hit, whether I want it or not, and at the worst times (in the check out line at HEB). I cried, tears ran down my face as I punched in my pin and gathered my things. With each step I wept and my heart ached for my mom, for just one more Easter with her, just one more time....just one more. As we close in on the Holiest Week in our Catholic Faith, I weep for my mom, I weep for Mary who watched her Son die on a cross and I weep for joy in His rising from the dead so that I, a sinner may one day be reunited with my mom. Life comes full circle this Easter, Christ died so that I can enter into my Heavenly Home with Him and our Father someday. He opened the gates so that my mother could rest with His, He opened Himself so that I may find Him at all times in the Eucharist. He allows me to even for a fleeting moment in Mass to feel my mom whole and with me as I adore Him. He has given the greatest gift to me, the hope of a reunion with mom. There are days lately that I just can't breathe, I almost feel like I'm drowning, but it is in those moments that I feel His hand reach down to me and lift me up....I find myself in the parking lot at church ready to go to 8am Mass even though I have no makeup on and really didn't intend to go, yet somehow I'm there and I'm walking in to spend time with Him. In the days of pain, the only relief I find is in Him. How can it be that my Lord would die for me, who am I to be worthy of His love that he would give up His life so that someday I may have life with Him and be reunited with my mom. This Easter, although I'm desperate for my mom, I find that I'm desperate for Him, for His love and grace. In this desperation I find peace during the days of pain.
In Christ,
Melanie
Jeremiah 29:11

NOT AGAIN

My grandmother is dying. There I said it, she is in the process of dying due to kidney failure. Process of dying, what does that mean, how long do I have left with her, is she in pain, how much can her 88 year old body endure?? These are the questions that plague me, at all hours, they sneak up on me and leave me with only more questions. The biggest question I have is "What would mom do?" What would she do, would she force her into a nursing home, would she push for dialysis, would she try to remove Bruce from the situation, would she call in Hospice, what would my mom do?? I will never know what mom would do, and although I'd give anything for a sneak peak into the future just to ensure that I did what mom would do, I can't do that. I have to trust Him, I have to lean into Him and let Him guide me. My grandmother is a very difficult woman to love, she is closed off and rarely shows emotion, but I love her, as much as a grandchild can love a grandparent I love my Nanny. She is a connection to my mom, so her death will rock me, I know this already and am planning already for my heart to find safety in my family. How will I feel when she breathes her last breath, will I be there, am I strong enough to do this again, without my mom there to walk me through it. I sometimes want to scream "NOT AGAIN", but it was never up to me and never will be. It has only been a little over 4 months since mom died (I really hate that word, but what do you say...passed, went home, went to eternal peace, passed away, went with God....I hate them all- and trust me I've tasted them all to see which one was the sweetest and easiest to say.) Only 4 months since I lost my mom (another one....lost..really...I know where she is so that doesn't count as being lost right??) and I'm here walking the same path with Nanny. This time however I'm armed with more wisdom and more humility. I'm blessed to be by her side and intend to make the most of it. This afternoon was spent asking her questions about her childhood and her young adult life and writing down the answers this time so I don't forget them. Although my Nanny is a very difficult lady I've always had a beautiful connection with her and have always felt very blessed to have her as a part of my life. Bathing her and cleaning up after her the past two days has solidified in my heart even more my call to nursing. I felt Him move in me when mom was dying and I took a jump, a big one. I resigned from school and registered for Nursing school.....here I go Lord, catch me...PLEASE. To be able to care for the life of someone who our God created is such a gift and one that I am ready for, I'm ready for the heartbreak and for the beauty of life and death. For now though, I pray for the strength to hold my grandmother's hand as she walks the path to our Lord and although my heart wants to scream NOT AGAIN, I ask myself, why not again. I'm ready for this because I have Him and He will carry me through....those foot prints in the sand will belong to Him. Lord thank you for the life of my Nanny, thank you for blessing her with all of her years, please take her home peacefully to you so that she can be joined in love with Poppa and my beautiful mom. Amen.
Peace in Christ,
Melanie
Jeremiah 29:11

The Simple Things

There are so many simple things in life that on a normal day we take for granted....well I used to take for granted, not any more though. One of the biggest lessons I learned from losing my mom is that there is no guarantee and that every moment is a gift....it is the simple things that count. We celebrated Thanksgiving with my in laws this year...first for that, why did we wait so long? Why did it take losing mom to finally get us all together for a holiday. I had all of my family in one place...minus the two biggest people in my world that is...mom and Eric. Eric was in Ohio to be with Larry during his time of need so I celebrated Thanksgiving with his parents, my bro and sis in law, my dad, my brother, my Nanny, and for the first time in over 10 years...my uncle. The day was nice, but I couldn't help asking myself...why, why did we wait so long to do this...all I've ever wanted is for our families to come together and this year it happened. This was a simple thing, the joining of two families, but it was HUGE and I'll never forget it. I miss my mom so much, the simple things...her voice, her smell, her touch.....all of her. Being home with Dad and Nathan in a home that she created was hard, it tore me up to think of the two of them surrounded by her all the time. I cleaned out her bathroom so that Dad could move his stuff in- she kicked him out years ago....he willingly shared with Bubba. It took me a couple hours to go through the bathroom....the bathroom....I can't imagine what going through every room in the house will be like. Like I told my dad, we'll have to do it a room at a time....slow and steady. The urn was on the shelf and I noticed it right away...hard to think that her physical self is on the shelf in the living room. I'm mostly just rambling today, no clear thoughts, but sometimes that is all I have.....random thoughts that make no sense at all. The simple things like watching the weather make me miss her, the smell of a book make me miss her, the sound of the soap opera she watched forever make me miss her, making dinner makes me miss her, feeling sick makes me miss her, my girls being happy makes me miss her....the simple things make me miss her. Someday I'll find comfort in these simple things, but for now the simple things are the hardest for me....missing her has become a part of my breathing....
Jeremiah 29:11
Mel

When Will It End

Oh, when will it end? I ask myself this question sometimes on an hourly basis, but today, it just lingers in the air, heavy. Uncle Charlie went to be with his son Bobby and my mom last night and although I know he is no longer in pain and that his suffering is over, it still hurts like hell. Part of me doesn't want to feel anymore, the pain gets so deep at times and feels so heavy, but I know that it is through this pain that I am growing. I don't want to grow anymore, I don't want to feel this way anymore, when will it end? Seeing Larry last night was so hard, knowing what he is facing in the coming days makes my heart ache and now my cousins are doing the same things I did only a month ago. Tomorrow marks one month, how did that happen? How can time stand still and fly past at the same time. I feel like I'm living in a vacuum. The world keeps spinning, day turns to night, but my heart doesn't feel any lapse, I only feel sad. I still yearn to hear her voice, to smell her scent, to touch her hand, only now it feels different, a distant memory. I don't want the memory of her, I want her, I need her. I don't know how to do this, Thanksgiving is this week and I don't know how to do this. I don't WANT to do this, I don't want to go on like she wasn't here, I can't pretend to be thankful this year b/c I'm not, I can't thank Him for another wonderful year when it has been the worst year of my life. Yet somehow, when I pray, my heart feels gratitude, I don't want to and it is not intended, but my heart feels grateful.....for the time with her, for the memories, for the love, for the hope of a reunion. What will it feel like next month, in one year, five, 20, when will it end?
Jeremiah 29:11
Mel

Broken and Weary

My burden is easy my yoke is so light, if you need rest come to me.......I've really been leaning into Him today. It has been probably the hardest day since we lost mom. My friend Larry's mom went to the Lord this morning, expected, but unexpected...he just came home from being with her in Ohio on Thursday. My heart aches for him.....I told Eric that I'd like to take his pain away since I'm already there, I could just bear it for him and my wise and loving husband said "No, we will all have to feel this someday...". It just hurts so much and I'm just so raw that seeing him in a couple hours terrifies me.....to see the reflection of my pain in his eyes will break me again, I'm sure of it. My dad called about an hour ago, it is always so hard to hear his voice, I can hear the pain each time and I know he misses her so much. ....my heart breaks for him. He called to let me know that Uncle Charlie will probably go home to God within the next 24 hours....too much, I'm too weary today, I can't, I'm just too broken. God, I can't bear this....I give it to You, please, You said if we need rest to come to You. I need rest, because I'm tired of being broken and weary. I want to scream out in pain, the pain I feel for Larry, the pain I feel for Daddy, the pain I feel for Cindy, the pain I feel for Aunt Joan, the pain I feel for my girls, the pain I feel for Chad, for Nathan, for Joyce, for Natalie, for Libby, for my husband, for me....I just feel so much pain, it just hurts too much right now, I'm broken and weary....please Lord. I feel You in my brokenness, I hear you in my weariness, I know that you are there carrying me, please Lord, get me through this, give me the strength I need to endure this broken and weary time in my life.
Jeremiah 29:11
Melanie

Ashes to Ashes

We hear it said often....well at least once a year, but what does it mean to me? I did it, I confronted the fact today that my mom's remains are now ashes....she wanted to be cremated for as long as I can remember. I can remember being young and knowing that her wishes were to be cremated when her time came. Well since it came 4 weeks ago my mother, although I'm sure her spirit and soul are now in Heaven is now ashes in a beautiful urn that my dad, brother, and I picked out. So, what does this mean, Adam was created from dust and Eve from Adam so in reality we are all created from dust. I can't even wrap my mind around what this means, God, our God is so awesome and mighty that He breathed His Spirit...the Holy Spirit on the Earth and into the dust and created Adam. Why, He is all knowing and all being, He knew that we would hurt Him and that He'd have to send His only Son to save us and that only by His Son's death and Resurrection could He be truly joined with us again. How painful it must have been to bring all this into play, He knew the end, but He must also have know that through the misery and pain there would be joy and hope. Maybe that is why, He knew joy and He knew hope and wanted to share these with someone who'd feel them too. For what is love if it is not joy and hope. He loved us so much from the beginning that He began this for us to teach us so that when we finally make our way to Him we will be prepared to worship Him with all the joy and hope He has shared with us over our years. I knew my mom was dying, we all are really, we are born to be made ready to spend eternity in Heaven so in truth we are born to die. He knew when He created my mother that she would join Him someday and He filled her life with joy and with hope. What a gift she received from Him who gives the greatest of gifts and now that she is with the Saints and Angels worshiping Him in Heaven she knows love, His love in its truest form. My mom's body is ashes, it has once again become what it was....in the beginning. Her wishes were to have her ashes spread in the ocean and if you're Catholic like me you stop and say uh oh, how do I do this with what the Church feels about cremation. Well, I'll tell you, you pray for peace and you seek guidance from your Priest-someone you trust and have faith in.....now he is only human, but it is that human aspect of Father Tony that helped me today to find peace with my mom's request. She will become one with earth again, with what she was created from. Adam's body was made from dust, his soul and spirit were given to him through God the Father breathing His Holy Spirit into him. My mom was no different, whether her body is now in a casket underground, or ashes in an urn, she has returned to Him. The part of her that He created with His love has returned to Him.
Jeremiah 29:11
Melanie