My grandmother is dying. There I said it, she is in the process of dying due to kidney failure. Process of dying, what does that mean, how long do I have left with her, is she in pain, how much can her 88 year old body endure?? These are the questions that plague me, at all hours, they sneak up on me and leave me with only more questions. The biggest question I have is "What would mom do?" What would she do, would she force her into a nursing home, would she push for dialysis, would she try to remove Bruce from the situation, would she call in Hospice, what would my mom do?? I will never know what mom would do, and although I'd give anything for a sneak peak into the future just to ensure that I did what mom would do, I can't do that. I have to trust Him, I have to lean into Him and let Him guide me. My grandmother is a very difficult woman to love, she is closed off and rarely shows emotion, but I love her, as much as a grandchild can love a grandparent I love my Nanny. She is a connection to my mom, so her death will rock me, I know this already and am planning already for my heart to find safety in my family. How will I feel when she breathes her last breath, will I be there, am I strong enough to do this again, without my mom there to walk me through it. I sometimes want to scream "NOT AGAIN", but it was never up to me and never will be. It has only been a little over 4 months since mom died (I really hate that word, but what do you say...passed, went home, went to eternal peace, passed away, went with God....I hate them all- and trust me I've tasted them all to see which one was the sweetest and easiest to say.) Only 4 months since I lost my mom (another one....lost..really...I know where she is so that doesn't count as being lost right??) and I'm here walking the same path with Nanny. This time however I'm armed with more wisdom and more humility. I'm blessed to be by her side and intend to make the most of it. This afternoon was spent asking her questions about her childhood and her young adult life and writing down the answers this time so I don't forget them. Although my Nanny is a very difficult lady I've always had a beautiful connection with her and have always felt very blessed to have her as a part of my life. Bathing her and cleaning up after her the past two days has solidified in my heart even more my call to nursing. I felt Him move in me when mom was dying and I took a jump, a big one. I resigned from school and registered for Nursing school.....here I go Lord, catch me...PLEASE. To be able to care for the life of someone who our God created is such a gift and one that I am ready for, I'm ready for the heartbreak and for the beauty of life and death. For now though, I pray for the strength to hold my grandmother's hand as she walks the path to our Lord and although my heart wants to scream NOT AGAIN, I ask myself, why not again. I'm ready for this because I have Him and He will carry me through....those foot prints in the sand will belong to Him. Lord thank you for the life of my Nanny, thank you for blessing her with all of her years, please take her home peacefully to you so that she can be joined in love with Poppa and my beautiful mom. Amen.
Peace in Christ,
Melanie
Jeremiah 29:11
