"(Day) Dream Believer"

Take out the Day in my title and you get dream believer!!! For months I've been praying to dream of my mom, not a memory, but a dream. A few weeks ago, I quit asking and prayed to God saying...You know my heart and my needs, if You want me to dream of her, it will happen in Your time. I can wait Lord, but please remember me. It happened, it finally happened. I swam at 5am this morning then laid down for a little while while the house woke up. I fell asleep and had the most beautiful dream of my mom. I can close my eyes and see each and every detail. I was in a room that wasn't familiar and had an overwhelming sense of missing her, but I could feel her close....strange. I remember then being outside somewhere and there being two chairs, both large and worn in the middle of grass that was making its way through the dirt....growth for lack of a better description. I sat in a chair and looked to my left and she was there....peace filled my heart and joy bounced around in my soul. I just looked in her eyes and said "I miss you mom" (of all things I've wanted to say I surely thought I could think of something better than this), she looked in my eyes and said "Its ok, I miss you too". My dream ended there, or at least I think it did...I don't remember anything else, but I woke up feeling such peace. I feel like I talked to my mom this morning the way I did every day when she was alive. My day has continued with its hectic pace that is the norm, but I've felt such joy and peace. I also felt a need to fix things with my dad, that somehow when she told me it was ok, that she was telling me that it would work out and to put my heart out there and trust. The joy I have in my heart at this moment is overwhelming and until I dream of her again, I have the memory of our early morning chat to hold on to. So, call me a "Dream Believer" if you will, I believe in my time with my mom and am thankful that He blessed me with her today.
Mel
Jeremiah 29:11

The Days of New

You've heard it said, "the days of old", well today as I reflect on my life I think of the days of new. For everything has changed and is new in my life with my mom gone. Things I once took for granted are works of beauty in my life that I am ever grateful for. Desires I once had have become a thing of the past, I desire today, to love and to be loved...the moment means the most to me now. Memories have now become not an occasional flash, but moments that I play over and over in my heart so that I can be sure to imprint them for eternity. Loss of my mother has taught me to slow down, to look at each person in my life as new, and to treat each one with a new sense of appreciation for the gift of their friendship. I enjoy my girls more and more each day, not to say that I didn't enjoy them before, but I was so worried about getting things right, keeping a nice home, making a nice meal, keeping their hair nice and outfits matched, that I sometimes forgot to soak in the joy that only children can bring into life. My mom was good at this, she could soak up the girls for days and just loved every moment of them. I'm learning to do this, to let go and to enjoy each moment. I'm a better wife, a better mother, and better friend. I'd like to say I'm a better daughter, but lately my dad and I have been having much difficulty. I'm not sure if it is because we both hurt so much that it is hard to communicate with each other, but for now I'm leaving my dad to Him and praying that we can work through this and reunite with joy. I've finally learned to listen for God, to take the quiet in and to really dedicate my heart to Him and listen for His prompts. Sometimes I think He must get frustrated with me and want to hit me over the head with a baseball bat, but He is patient and loving as I work my way to Him. Each day that mom is gone feels like an eternity, some days I feel like I just talked to her about a bunch of useless stuff but most days it feels like a lifetime ago that life was right side up. People say that time heals and I want to believe this, in fact I've vested much hope in this, but it is actually the seconds, minutes, and hours that make up that time that seem to drag on and make it hard to believe that I'll ever be that carefree again. Remember the first time you road your bike, I mean really road it...no fear, just the wind in your face and the feeling of flying, and then do you remember that first fall? Getting back up on that bike was scary, the bike didn't change, you did, your perception of the bike changed. Life is kinda like that for me right now, I haven't physically changed in any way, nor has my existence, but I've been thrown from life and am now a little scared of it. I'm scared of true abandonment and letting myself completely go because I know what true hurt is now, I know how it feels to have the wind knocked out of you and to not be able to breathe no matter how hard you try. I know how my heart feels after being torn from my chest while holding my mom's hand while she breathed her last breath. Time heals, but getting to that time of healing is one of the most difficult times I've ever had. The days of new are upon us, it is what I do now that determines whether or not I'll ever be brave enough to get back on that bike.
Jeremiah 29:11
Mel

Mother's Day

Mother's Day has taken on a whole new meaning for me this year...it is one of tears and smiles, one of sadness and joy, one of loss and gain, one of hurt and healing. It has been a roller coaster to say the least. My heart aches in a way I never knew it could today. I've had hard days since I lost mom, but today is the worst...I just feel empty, I need her today more than ever. Perhaps it is just a culmination of the joy I felt yesterday as my Sissy received Christ for the first time in the Eucharist. I'm not sure, but today as I walk through this pain I'm reminded that it is when I feel this way He is truly there for me. Thing is, I can't feel Him, I need Him to lift my heart out of darkness and pull it into light, but in this moment, I just feel empty. If the tomb could talk that Easter Sunday I bet it felt the same. For three days, only three days it held the most precious gift the world would ever have and then it was empty. The emptiness was probably overwhelming...to know the light to know the way then to feel the emptiness leaves an ever bigger hole. I can relate in a way... she was my mom and she taught me all I know- her being filled me with light, love, and knowledge, and today I just need to tell her thank you, did I tell her thank you enough when she was here...God I hope so. My sweet Sissy just told me that she "just wants her Laly back"...me too sweet girl, I'd give about anything right now for just a moment. But then she'd be gone again and like the tomb I'd be empty. I truly believe that one day I won't feel this way, but for now I ache for my momma. I just ache. I've cried today, I've laughed today. I find such pain in losing my mom, but such joy in being a mom. I wanted to be happy for my girls today, but I keep crying. Every smile is followed by a tear, each laugh is followed by a feeling of loss....I've said it before and I'll say it again, when will it end? The tomb was empty and Christ rose to be at the right hand of His Father....maybe the tomb wasn't empty...maybe it was filled with a joy and a hope that from the outside couldn't be seen, but as time passed spread out to the world...it flooded the world with hope because only in it's being empty could we find Salvation. Perhaps only in my emptiness can I find true joy again....maybe I needed today to truly feel that complete and utter abondenment to move into a time when I can only feel joy and peace from what I had. The tomb held Christ, I held my mom. I pray that what she taught me, the strength she shared, the love she poured out to me, the joy the carried, the trust she showed will pour out of me into my girls and to those around me. Lord help me today as I feel so empty, please help me find the happiness that is behind the stone that rolled away.
Melanie
Jeremiah 29:11

Only the Lonely

Only the lonely know what it is like to sit at a table in a cute coffee shop with a truly inspiring woman and share awesome thoughts, yet still feel completely alone. Alone, must we be alone to feel His warmth, is it only is isolation that we are able to truly draw near to Him. In my loneliness do I truly seek His Holiness.....does loneliness lead to holiness??? Good question, look at many of the Saints...so many suffered illnesses that left them alone, but were they truly alone? Are you alone when you are only with Him? Sometimes even with the business of life I feel such solitude, while sitting at a softball game coaching 11 girls, while at the grocery store among throngs of people, while at dinner with my family.....it is not the same loneliness I've felt when I'm just in need of another human, this one is a loneliness that has a longing....a longing for Him for His Holiness. Does my longing for His Holiness lead me to loneliness? Does my loneliness lead me to a longing for His Holiness? I'm not sure yet which it is yet. I would like to contribute this loneliness to losing my mom, blame it on the utter need to hear her voice, to know her opinion, to share in laughter with her.....but sometimes I wonder if He has used her death to teach me a lesson that I'm trying not to learn. I often get in His way...I'm notorious for hearing His voice and thinking I know better...I'm learning though, that through silence and through loneliness I open myself to Him and to His will. My heart aches for my mom, but then I remember that she is not lonely anymore, she is with Him and has found her home in His holiness. Dear Lord, I open my heart to You, to Your Will in my life. Teach me to embrace those lonely times as an opportunity to listen for you. Help me to find strength in my solitude and to find peace in You.
Jeremiah 29:11
Mel

The Days of Pain

When you lose someone you love, there are days of pain. You expect days to hurt, you wait for the pain, you anticipate the utter despair, but what happens when the days turn into months. In three days it will be six months since my mom breathed her last breath, I knew what to expect in the beginning, I knew there would be tears, pain, suffering, but I no longer know what to expect....the unknown is frightening. Today, while at the grocery store, the pain hit me like a cinder block to the heart. Here I am, just need my milk and cereal, so I mindlessly pick up my items and begin to the check out...and there they are at least a dozen mom and daughter teams. Getting ready for Easter, sharing a smile, a basket, something only a mother and daughter can share and there it is, mom is gone, I'll never do this with her again. Easter, oh my gosh Easter is just days away and I've done nothing....it took me a bit to realize that I avoid pain by avoiding holidays, I've done the same for their birthdays and for Tristyn's upcoming First Communion...I wait until the last minute and then rush around like a crazy woman so there is no time to think or miss her or be sad...I drown myself in stress. It always hits though, at some point all of the occasions hit, whether I want it or not, and at the worst times (in the check out line at HEB). I cried, tears ran down my face as I punched in my pin and gathered my things. With each step I wept and my heart ached for my mom, for just one more Easter with her, just one more time....just one more. As we close in on the Holiest Week in our Catholic Faith, I weep for my mom, I weep for Mary who watched her Son die on a cross and I weep for joy in His rising from the dead so that I, a sinner may one day be reunited with my mom. Life comes full circle this Easter, Christ died so that I can enter into my Heavenly Home with Him and our Father someday. He opened the gates so that my mother could rest with His, He opened Himself so that I may find Him at all times in the Eucharist. He allows me to even for a fleeting moment in Mass to feel my mom whole and with me as I adore Him. He has given the greatest gift to me, the hope of a reunion with mom. There are days lately that I just can't breathe, I almost feel like I'm drowning, but it is in those moments that I feel His hand reach down to me and lift me up....I find myself in the parking lot at church ready to go to 8am Mass even though I have no makeup on and really didn't intend to go, yet somehow I'm there and I'm walking in to spend time with Him. In the days of pain, the only relief I find is in Him. How can it be that my Lord would die for me, who am I to be worthy of His love that he would give up His life so that someday I may have life with Him and be reunited with my mom. This Easter, although I'm desperate for my mom, I find that I'm desperate for Him, for His love and grace. In this desperation I find peace during the days of pain.
In Christ,
Melanie
Jeremiah 29:11

NOT AGAIN

My grandmother is dying. There I said it, she is in the process of dying due to kidney failure. Process of dying, what does that mean, how long do I have left with her, is she in pain, how much can her 88 year old body endure?? These are the questions that plague me, at all hours, they sneak up on me and leave me with only more questions. The biggest question I have is "What would mom do?" What would she do, would she force her into a nursing home, would she push for dialysis, would she try to remove Bruce from the situation, would she call in Hospice, what would my mom do?? I will never know what mom would do, and although I'd give anything for a sneak peak into the future just to ensure that I did what mom would do, I can't do that. I have to trust Him, I have to lean into Him and let Him guide me. My grandmother is a very difficult woman to love, she is closed off and rarely shows emotion, but I love her, as much as a grandchild can love a grandparent I love my Nanny. She is a connection to my mom, so her death will rock me, I know this already and am planning already for my heart to find safety in my family. How will I feel when she breathes her last breath, will I be there, am I strong enough to do this again, without my mom there to walk me through it. I sometimes want to scream "NOT AGAIN", but it was never up to me and never will be. It has only been a little over 4 months since mom died (I really hate that word, but what do you say...passed, went home, went to eternal peace, passed away, went with God....I hate them all- and trust me I've tasted them all to see which one was the sweetest and easiest to say.) Only 4 months since I lost my mom (another one....lost..really...I know where she is so that doesn't count as being lost right??) and I'm here walking the same path with Nanny. This time however I'm armed with more wisdom and more humility. I'm blessed to be by her side and intend to make the most of it. This afternoon was spent asking her questions about her childhood and her young adult life and writing down the answers this time so I don't forget them. Although my Nanny is a very difficult lady I've always had a beautiful connection with her and have always felt very blessed to have her as a part of my life. Bathing her and cleaning up after her the past two days has solidified in my heart even more my call to nursing. I felt Him move in me when mom was dying and I took a jump, a big one. I resigned from school and registered for Nursing school.....here I go Lord, catch me...PLEASE. To be able to care for the life of someone who our God created is such a gift and one that I am ready for, I'm ready for the heartbreak and for the beauty of life and death. For now though, I pray for the strength to hold my grandmother's hand as she walks the path to our Lord and although my heart wants to scream NOT AGAIN, I ask myself, why not again. I'm ready for this because I have Him and He will carry me through....those foot prints in the sand will belong to Him. Lord thank you for the life of my Nanny, thank you for blessing her with all of her years, please take her home peacefully to you so that she can be joined in love with Poppa and my beautiful mom. Amen.
Peace in Christ,
Melanie
Jeremiah 29:11