The Simple Things

There are so many simple things in life that on a normal day we take for granted....well I used to take for granted, not any more though. One of the biggest lessons I learned from losing my mom is that there is no guarantee and that every moment is a gift....it is the simple things that count. We celebrated Thanksgiving with my in laws this year...first for that, why did we wait so long? Why did it take losing mom to finally get us all together for a holiday. I had all of my family in one place...minus the two biggest people in my world that is...mom and Eric. Eric was in Ohio to be with Larry during his time of need so I celebrated Thanksgiving with his parents, my bro and sis in law, my dad, my brother, my Nanny, and for the first time in over 10 years...my uncle. The day was nice, but I couldn't help asking myself...why, why did we wait so long to do this...all I've ever wanted is for our families to come together and this year it happened. This was a simple thing, the joining of two families, but it was HUGE and I'll never forget it. I miss my mom so much, the simple things...her voice, her smell, her touch.....all of her. Being home with Dad and Nathan in a home that she created was hard, it tore me up to think of the two of them surrounded by her all the time. I cleaned out her bathroom so that Dad could move his stuff in- she kicked him out years ago....he willingly shared with Bubba. It took me a couple hours to go through the bathroom....the bathroom....I can't imagine what going through every room in the house will be like. Like I told my dad, we'll have to do it a room at a time....slow and steady. The urn was on the shelf and I noticed it right away...hard to think that her physical self is on the shelf in the living room. I'm mostly just rambling today, no clear thoughts, but sometimes that is all I have.....random thoughts that make no sense at all. The simple things like watching the weather make me miss her, the smell of a book make me miss her, the sound of the soap opera she watched forever make me miss her, making dinner makes me miss her, feeling sick makes me miss her, my girls being happy makes me miss her....the simple things make me miss her. Someday I'll find comfort in these simple things, but for now the simple things are the hardest for me....missing her has become a part of my breathing....
Jeremiah 29:11
Mel

When Will It End

Oh, when will it end? I ask myself this question sometimes on an hourly basis, but today, it just lingers in the air, heavy. Uncle Charlie went to be with his son Bobby and my mom last night and although I know he is no longer in pain and that his suffering is over, it still hurts like hell. Part of me doesn't want to feel anymore, the pain gets so deep at times and feels so heavy, but I know that it is through this pain that I am growing. I don't want to grow anymore, I don't want to feel this way anymore, when will it end? Seeing Larry last night was so hard, knowing what he is facing in the coming days makes my heart ache and now my cousins are doing the same things I did only a month ago. Tomorrow marks one month, how did that happen? How can time stand still and fly past at the same time. I feel like I'm living in a vacuum. The world keeps spinning, day turns to night, but my heart doesn't feel any lapse, I only feel sad. I still yearn to hear her voice, to smell her scent, to touch her hand, only now it feels different, a distant memory. I don't want the memory of her, I want her, I need her. I don't know how to do this, Thanksgiving is this week and I don't know how to do this. I don't WANT to do this, I don't want to go on like she wasn't here, I can't pretend to be thankful this year b/c I'm not, I can't thank Him for another wonderful year when it has been the worst year of my life. Yet somehow, when I pray, my heart feels gratitude, I don't want to and it is not intended, but my heart feels grateful.....for the time with her, for the memories, for the love, for the hope of a reunion. What will it feel like next month, in one year, five, 20, when will it end?
Jeremiah 29:11
Mel

Broken and Weary

My burden is easy my yoke is so light, if you need rest come to me.......I've really been leaning into Him today. It has been probably the hardest day since we lost mom. My friend Larry's mom went to the Lord this morning, expected, but unexpected...he just came home from being with her in Ohio on Thursday. My heart aches for him.....I told Eric that I'd like to take his pain away since I'm already there, I could just bear it for him and my wise and loving husband said "No, we will all have to feel this someday...". It just hurts so much and I'm just so raw that seeing him in a couple hours terrifies me.....to see the reflection of my pain in his eyes will break me again, I'm sure of it. My dad called about an hour ago, it is always so hard to hear his voice, I can hear the pain each time and I know he misses her so much. ....my heart breaks for him. He called to let me know that Uncle Charlie will probably go home to God within the next 24 hours....too much, I'm too weary today, I can't, I'm just too broken. God, I can't bear this....I give it to You, please, You said if we need rest to come to You. I need rest, because I'm tired of being broken and weary. I want to scream out in pain, the pain I feel for Larry, the pain I feel for Daddy, the pain I feel for Cindy, the pain I feel for Aunt Joan, the pain I feel for my girls, the pain I feel for Chad, for Nathan, for Joyce, for Natalie, for Libby, for my husband, for me....I just feel so much pain, it just hurts too much right now, I'm broken and weary....please Lord. I feel You in my brokenness, I hear you in my weariness, I know that you are there carrying me, please Lord, get me through this, give me the strength I need to endure this broken and weary time in my life.
Jeremiah 29:11
Melanie

Ashes to Ashes

We hear it said often....well at least once a year, but what does it mean to me? I did it, I confronted the fact today that my mom's remains are now ashes....she wanted to be cremated for as long as I can remember. I can remember being young and knowing that her wishes were to be cremated when her time came. Well since it came 4 weeks ago my mother, although I'm sure her spirit and soul are now in Heaven is now ashes in a beautiful urn that my dad, brother, and I picked out. So, what does this mean, Adam was created from dust and Eve from Adam so in reality we are all created from dust. I can't even wrap my mind around what this means, God, our God is so awesome and mighty that He breathed His Spirit...the Holy Spirit on the Earth and into the dust and created Adam. Why, He is all knowing and all being, He knew that we would hurt Him and that He'd have to send His only Son to save us and that only by His Son's death and Resurrection could He be truly joined with us again. How painful it must have been to bring all this into play, He knew the end, but He must also have know that through the misery and pain there would be joy and hope. Maybe that is why, He knew joy and He knew hope and wanted to share these with someone who'd feel them too. For what is love if it is not joy and hope. He loved us so much from the beginning that He began this for us to teach us so that when we finally make our way to Him we will be prepared to worship Him with all the joy and hope He has shared with us over our years. I knew my mom was dying, we all are really, we are born to be made ready to spend eternity in Heaven so in truth we are born to die. He knew when He created my mother that she would join Him someday and He filled her life with joy and with hope. What a gift she received from Him who gives the greatest of gifts and now that she is with the Saints and Angels worshiping Him in Heaven she knows love, His love in its truest form. My mom's body is ashes, it has once again become what it was....in the beginning. Her wishes were to have her ashes spread in the ocean and if you're Catholic like me you stop and say uh oh, how do I do this with what the Church feels about cremation. Well, I'll tell you, you pray for peace and you seek guidance from your Priest-someone you trust and have faith in.....now he is only human, but it is that human aspect of Father Tony that helped me today to find peace with my mom's request. She will become one with earth again, with what she was created from. Adam's body was made from dust, his soul and spirit were given to him through God the Father breathing His Holy Spirit into him. My mom was no different, whether her body is now in a casket underground, or ashes in an urn, she has returned to Him. The part of her that He created with His love has returned to Him.
Jeremiah 29:11
Melanie

Mary my Mother, Laurie my Mother

Mary/Laurie, Mary/Laurie.....2 mothers. For my entire life I've had 2 mothers, one who has held and loved me and one who has only loved from a distance. No, I wasn't adopted and no I don't have a step mother, I have an earthly mother and a Heavenly one. I've always known this, have always prayed for Mary's intercession, but I've also had my own mother, the tangible one to hold me and to cling to. Now that I no longer have my earthly mother with me in the physical sense I'm lost. I think about her all the time, I miss her all the time, I want to hear her all the time, I want to smell her all the time, I want to feel her all the time....I want my momma all the time. As simple as a new child needs his/her mom, I need mine. I've always turned to my mom for advise...not always listening, but I've always gone to her, and now I can't and it is tearing me up. Not that I need any major advice or none that she could give since she never lost her mother, but just to be able to see her or hear her would bring peace. Peace, I've forgotten what that is for the moment, well almost forgotten. I had an experience on Monday that made me remember what peace is and it also struck my heart in a way that I should learn from, but am having a hard time understanding. To really be able to tell this I have to go back to about a year ago when I was given the gift of being able to pray in tongues. Ok, so sounds crazy, but it is as true as I'm typing these words. The Holy Spirit prays through my spirit and although I really don't understand the words I'm praying I understand the depth of prayer and emotion that come over me when I allow myself to pray in such an open way. Since mom died I've been afraid of prayer, real prayer....my human form can only say "Please God!" so I often find myself repeating this statement that is my only prayer. On Monday night in a meeting with beautiful Godly women we were praying prayer intentions and I just felt such pain and need from the women I was with and also felt such a need to pray for Mother/Daughter relationships. I began to pray for the first time since I said goodbye to mom....really pray. I prayed an intention for all mothers and daughters and then dropped my head and closed my eyes and allowed Him to pray through me. By Him I mean the Holy Spirit.....I felt it growing from my toes and could not contain my need to allow this to happen any more. So I prayed and although I knew not what I was saying I felt it , every bit of my spirit begging God to please help me and to please heal these women. I had a vision of Mary during this prayer and instead of leaning into her I pushed her away and thought to myself, no, I want my mom...I want Laurie, not you Mary. What you may say, but at the time I was so focused on my loss of my earthly mother that I couldn't bear to see my Heavenly one looking at me with such love. It wasn't until the next day when I slowly began to process what had happened that I began to realize a few things. First of all, yes my earthly mother is gone in the here and now, but she waits for me in eternity and one day we will be joined again and I'll feel even more love for her then than I do now. Secondly I learned that my Heavenly mother is who I really need to be fleeing to right now, she knows the pain of loss and can help me carry the pain that I am in. Mary in her love and mercy is here for me and with me now as she has always been, a loving mother, who although I can't feel or smell or hear, is constantly watching over me and is trying to comfort me in my darkness. I keep saying I want my momma, maybe I have the wrong one in mind, maybe I should be calling out to Mary to help me through this. Maybe my two mothers are now one in Spirit and are both watching over me and loving me with joy and happiness. Yes, I want my momma, I want my earthly mother, but perhaps it is time to realize that she is no longer here, that I no longer have a mother on earth and that she has now taken her place with her Mother, Mary and that the two of them will guide me through this and teach me if I allow myself to truly open to what He has waiting for me.
Jeremiah 29:11
Melanie

Late Night Thoughts

When I first began this blog, I thought I'd be writing about my joys and struggles of being a stay at home mom of three girls aged 2yrs, 4yrs, and 5 yrs....thus the name of the blog...A Day In The Life. Needless to say much time has passed (close to 4 yrs) since I thought about beginning this blog and I'm now at a completely different point in my life and believe this blog may be a nice outlet for my emotions and my new daily life. So, why Late Night Thoughts...well...b/c I was up all night thinking about Thank you Notes. Why thank you notes, what is so difficult about thank you notes you may ask yourself. Well, you'll ask yourself until you realize that these particular thank you notes are for flowers, donations to the American Cancer Society, and Mass intentions for my mother who passed away 25 days ago. My mom who was the most amazing person I know and who had only be diagnosed with cancer 4 weeks and one hour to the minute before she went home to be with God. So, that is why I couldn't sleep, I know I have to start these thank you notes b/c it is the right thing to do and I can hear my mom asking me "Did you send your thanks you notes yet?". No mom, I haven't...I don't know how to thank anyone for anything that had to do with me losing you. I don't want to thank anyone for sending flowers/plants b/c you died. I don't care to thank anyone for a donation to the American Cancer Society because you lost your life to cancer...NO. I just don't feel like thanking anyone for anything. Enough of my tantrum, I seem to be keeping together most of the time, well, almost most of the time, but I am human and my human heart is aching. Let me stop here to tell you about my mom. Amazing is the only word that comes to mind and it doesn't really seem to sum her up. She died just as she lived...on her own terms and when she was ready. She loved with more love than I've ever seen anyone love with. Her heart was as big as TX....I'm sure of it. She never met a stranger, would offer her brilliant smile to anyone....deserving or not. I've never known anyone who took so literally Christ when He said "No greater love does one have than one who would lay down his life for another." (will find the actual Scripture later....this was from memory and the wording may be a little off.) My mom would give the coat off her frozen back to help another. Self sacrifice was a way of life for her, her love for others would bring her to always place herself in the background. How can a love and a light as bright as hers be put out so soon? How do I move on from here? How can I be a mom without her gentle guidance? How do I truly say goodbye to my best friend? How do I continue to wake up each morning knowing that I will never hear her say "Good morning Sunshine!"? I don't know how to do this, so for now, I'll blog. The pile of thank you notes await, maybe I'll do them tomorrow.
Jeremiah 29:11
Mel