Only the Lonely

Only the lonely know what it is like to sit at a table in a cute coffee shop with a truly inspiring woman and share awesome thoughts, yet still feel completely alone. Alone, must we be alone to feel His warmth, is it only is isolation that we are able to truly draw near to Him. In my loneliness do I truly seek His Holiness.....does loneliness lead to holiness??? Good question, look at many of the Saints...so many suffered illnesses that left them alone, but were they truly alone? Are you alone when you are only with Him? Sometimes even with the business of life I feel such solitude, while sitting at a softball game coaching 11 girls, while at the grocery store among throngs of people, while at dinner with my family.....it is not the same loneliness I've felt when I'm just in need of another human, this one is a loneliness that has a longing....a longing for Him for His Holiness. Does my longing for His Holiness lead me to loneliness? Does my loneliness lead me to a longing for His Holiness? I'm not sure yet which it is yet. I would like to contribute this loneliness to losing my mom, blame it on the utter need to hear her voice, to know her opinion, to share in laughter with her.....but sometimes I wonder if He has used her death to teach me a lesson that I'm trying not to learn. I often get in His way...I'm notorious for hearing His voice and thinking I know better...I'm learning though, that through silence and through loneliness I open myself to Him and to His will. My heart aches for my mom, but then I remember that she is not lonely anymore, she is with Him and has found her home in His holiness. Dear Lord, I open my heart to You, to Your Will in my life. Teach me to embrace those lonely times as an opportunity to listen for you. Help me to find strength in my solitude and to find peace in You.
Jeremiah 29:11
Mel

The Days of Pain

When you lose someone you love, there are days of pain. You expect days to hurt, you wait for the pain, you anticipate the utter despair, but what happens when the days turn into months. In three days it will be six months since my mom breathed her last breath, I knew what to expect in the beginning, I knew there would be tears, pain, suffering, but I no longer know what to expect....the unknown is frightening. Today, while at the grocery store, the pain hit me like a cinder block to the heart. Here I am, just need my milk and cereal, so I mindlessly pick up my items and begin to the check out...and there they are at least a dozen mom and daughter teams. Getting ready for Easter, sharing a smile, a basket, something only a mother and daughter can share and there it is, mom is gone, I'll never do this with her again. Easter, oh my gosh Easter is just days away and I've done nothing....it took me a bit to realize that I avoid pain by avoiding holidays, I've done the same for their birthdays and for Tristyn's upcoming First Communion...I wait until the last minute and then rush around like a crazy woman so there is no time to think or miss her or be sad...I drown myself in stress. It always hits though, at some point all of the occasions hit, whether I want it or not, and at the worst times (in the check out line at HEB). I cried, tears ran down my face as I punched in my pin and gathered my things. With each step I wept and my heart ached for my mom, for just one more Easter with her, just one more time....just one more. As we close in on the Holiest Week in our Catholic Faith, I weep for my mom, I weep for Mary who watched her Son die on a cross and I weep for joy in His rising from the dead so that I, a sinner may one day be reunited with my mom. Life comes full circle this Easter, Christ died so that I can enter into my Heavenly Home with Him and our Father someday. He opened the gates so that my mother could rest with His, He opened Himself so that I may find Him at all times in the Eucharist. He allows me to even for a fleeting moment in Mass to feel my mom whole and with me as I adore Him. He has given the greatest gift to me, the hope of a reunion with mom. There are days lately that I just can't breathe, I almost feel like I'm drowning, but it is in those moments that I feel His hand reach down to me and lift me up....I find myself in the parking lot at church ready to go to 8am Mass even though I have no makeup on and really didn't intend to go, yet somehow I'm there and I'm walking in to spend time with Him. In the days of pain, the only relief I find is in Him. How can it be that my Lord would die for me, who am I to be worthy of His love that he would give up His life so that someday I may have life with Him and be reunited with my mom. This Easter, although I'm desperate for my mom, I find that I'm desperate for Him, for His love and grace. In this desperation I find peace during the days of pain.
In Christ,
Melanie
Jeremiah 29:11