The Days of Pain

When you lose someone you love, there are days of pain. You expect days to hurt, you wait for the pain, you anticipate the utter despair, but what happens when the days turn into months. In three days it will be six months since my mom breathed her last breath, I knew what to expect in the beginning, I knew there would be tears, pain, suffering, but I no longer know what to expect....the unknown is frightening. Today, while at the grocery store, the pain hit me like a cinder block to the heart. Here I am, just need my milk and cereal, so I mindlessly pick up my items and begin to the check out...and there they are at least a dozen mom and daughter teams. Getting ready for Easter, sharing a smile, a basket, something only a mother and daughter can share and there it is, mom is gone, I'll never do this with her again. Easter, oh my gosh Easter is just days away and I've done nothing....it took me a bit to realize that I avoid pain by avoiding holidays, I've done the same for their birthdays and for Tristyn's upcoming First Communion...I wait until the last minute and then rush around like a crazy woman so there is no time to think or miss her or be sad...I drown myself in stress. It always hits though, at some point all of the occasions hit, whether I want it or not, and at the worst times (in the check out line at HEB). I cried, tears ran down my face as I punched in my pin and gathered my things. With each step I wept and my heart ached for my mom, for just one more Easter with her, just one more time....just one more. As we close in on the Holiest Week in our Catholic Faith, I weep for my mom, I weep for Mary who watched her Son die on a cross and I weep for joy in His rising from the dead so that I, a sinner may one day be reunited with my mom. Life comes full circle this Easter, Christ died so that I can enter into my Heavenly Home with Him and our Father someday. He opened the gates so that my mother could rest with His, He opened Himself so that I may find Him at all times in the Eucharist. He allows me to even for a fleeting moment in Mass to feel my mom whole and with me as I adore Him. He has given the greatest gift to me, the hope of a reunion with mom. There are days lately that I just can't breathe, I almost feel like I'm drowning, but it is in those moments that I feel His hand reach down to me and lift me up....I find myself in the parking lot at church ready to go to 8am Mass even though I have no makeup on and really didn't intend to go, yet somehow I'm there and I'm walking in to spend time with Him. In the days of pain, the only relief I find is in Him. How can it be that my Lord would die for me, who am I to be worthy of His love that he would give up His life so that someday I may have life with Him and be reunited with my mom. This Easter, although I'm desperate for my mom, I find that I'm desperate for Him, for His love and grace. In this desperation I find peace during the days of pain.
In Christ,
Melanie
Jeremiah 29:11