Mother's Day

Mother's Day has taken on a whole new meaning for me this year...it is one of tears and smiles, one of sadness and joy, one of loss and gain, one of hurt and healing. It has been a roller coaster to say the least. My heart aches in a way I never knew it could today. I've had hard days since I lost mom, but today is the worst...I just feel empty, I need her today more than ever. Perhaps it is just a culmination of the joy I felt yesterday as my Sissy received Christ for the first time in the Eucharist. I'm not sure, but today as I walk through this pain I'm reminded that it is when I feel this way He is truly there for me. Thing is, I can't feel Him, I need Him to lift my heart out of darkness and pull it into light, but in this moment, I just feel empty. If the tomb could talk that Easter Sunday I bet it felt the same. For three days, only three days it held the most precious gift the world would ever have and then it was empty. The emptiness was probably overwhelming...to know the light to know the way then to feel the emptiness leaves an ever bigger hole. I can relate in a way... she was my mom and she taught me all I know- her being filled me with light, love, and knowledge, and today I just need to tell her thank you, did I tell her thank you enough when she was here...God I hope so. My sweet Sissy just told me that she "just wants her Laly back"...me too sweet girl, I'd give about anything right now for just a moment. But then she'd be gone again and like the tomb I'd be empty. I truly believe that one day I won't feel this way, but for now I ache for my momma. I just ache. I've cried today, I've laughed today. I find such pain in losing my mom, but such joy in being a mom. I wanted to be happy for my girls today, but I keep crying. Every smile is followed by a tear, each laugh is followed by a feeling of loss....I've said it before and I'll say it again, when will it end? The tomb was empty and Christ rose to be at the right hand of His Father....maybe the tomb wasn't empty...maybe it was filled with a joy and a hope that from the outside couldn't be seen, but as time passed spread out to the world...it flooded the world with hope because only in it's being empty could we find Salvation. Perhaps only in my emptiness can I find true joy again....maybe I needed today to truly feel that complete and utter abondenment to move into a time when I can only feel joy and peace from what I had. The tomb held Christ, I held my mom. I pray that what she taught me, the strength she shared, the love she poured out to me, the joy the carried, the trust she showed will pour out of me into my girls and to those around me. Lord help me today as I feel so empty, please help me find the happiness that is behind the stone that rolled away.
Melanie
Jeremiah 29:11