The Days of New

You've heard it said, "the days of old", well today as I reflect on my life I think of the days of new. For everything has changed and is new in my life with my mom gone. Things I once took for granted are works of beauty in my life that I am ever grateful for. Desires I once had have become a thing of the past, I desire today, to love and to be loved...the moment means the most to me now. Memories have now become not an occasional flash, but moments that I play over and over in my heart so that I can be sure to imprint them for eternity. Loss of my mother has taught me to slow down, to look at each person in my life as new, and to treat each one with a new sense of appreciation for the gift of their friendship. I enjoy my girls more and more each day, not to say that I didn't enjoy them before, but I was so worried about getting things right, keeping a nice home, making a nice meal, keeping their hair nice and outfits matched, that I sometimes forgot to soak in the joy that only children can bring into life. My mom was good at this, she could soak up the girls for days and just loved every moment of them. I'm learning to do this, to let go and to enjoy each moment. I'm a better wife, a better mother, and better friend. I'd like to say I'm a better daughter, but lately my dad and I have been having much difficulty. I'm not sure if it is because we both hurt so much that it is hard to communicate with each other, but for now I'm leaving my dad to Him and praying that we can work through this and reunite with joy. I've finally learned to listen for God, to take the quiet in and to really dedicate my heart to Him and listen for His prompts. Sometimes I think He must get frustrated with me and want to hit me over the head with a baseball bat, but He is patient and loving as I work my way to Him. Each day that mom is gone feels like an eternity, some days I feel like I just talked to her about a bunch of useless stuff but most days it feels like a lifetime ago that life was right side up. People say that time heals and I want to believe this, in fact I've vested much hope in this, but it is actually the seconds, minutes, and hours that make up that time that seem to drag on and make it hard to believe that I'll ever be that carefree again. Remember the first time you road your bike, I mean really road it...no fear, just the wind in your face and the feeling of flying, and then do you remember that first fall? Getting back up on that bike was scary, the bike didn't change, you did, your perception of the bike changed. Life is kinda like that for me right now, I haven't physically changed in any way, nor has my existence, but I've been thrown from life and am now a little scared of it. I'm scared of true abandonment and letting myself completely go because I know what true hurt is now, I know how it feels to have the wind knocked out of you and to not be able to breathe no matter how hard you try. I know how my heart feels after being torn from my chest while holding my mom's hand while she breathed her last breath. Time heals, but getting to that time of healing is one of the most difficult times I've ever had. The days of new are upon us, it is what I do now that determines whether or not I'll ever be brave enough to get back on that bike.
Jeremiah 29:11
Mel