When Will It End

Oh, when will it end? I ask myself this question sometimes on an hourly basis, but today, it just lingers in the air, heavy. Uncle Charlie went to be with his son Bobby and my mom last night and although I know he is no longer in pain and that his suffering is over, it still hurts like hell. Part of me doesn't want to feel anymore, the pain gets so deep at times and feels so heavy, but I know that it is through this pain that I am growing. I don't want to grow anymore, I don't want to feel this way anymore, when will it end? Seeing Larry last night was so hard, knowing what he is facing in the coming days makes my heart ache and now my cousins are doing the same things I did only a month ago. Tomorrow marks one month, how did that happen? How can time stand still and fly past at the same time. I feel like I'm living in a vacuum. The world keeps spinning, day turns to night, but my heart doesn't feel any lapse, I only feel sad. I still yearn to hear her voice, to smell her scent, to touch her hand, only now it feels different, a distant memory. I don't want the memory of her, I want her, I need her. I don't know how to do this, Thanksgiving is this week and I don't know how to do this. I don't WANT to do this, I don't want to go on like she wasn't here, I can't pretend to be thankful this year b/c I'm not, I can't thank Him for another wonderful year when it has been the worst year of my life. Yet somehow, when I pray, my heart feels gratitude, I don't want to and it is not intended, but my heart feels grateful.....for the time with her, for the memories, for the love, for the hope of a reunion. What will it feel like next month, in one year, five, 20, when will it end?
Jeremiah 29:11
Mel