Mary/Laurie, Mary/Laurie.....2 mothers. For my entire life I've had 2 mothers, one who has held and loved me and one who has only loved from a distance. No, I wasn't adopted and no I don't have a step mother, I have an earthly mother and a Heavenly one. I've always known this, have always prayed for Mary's intercession, but I've also had my own mother, the tangible one to hold me and to cling to. Now that I no longer have my earthly mother with me in the physical sense I'm lost. I think about her all the time, I miss her all the time, I want to hear her all the time, I want to smell her all the time, I want to feel her all the time....I want my momma all the time. As simple as a new child needs his/her mom, I need mine. I've always turned to my mom for advise...not always listening, but I've always gone to her, and now I can't and it is tearing me up. Not that I need any major advice or none that she could give since she never lost her mother, but just to be able to see her or hear her would bring peace. Peace, I've forgotten what that is for the moment, well almost forgotten. I had an experience on Monday that made me remember what peace is and it also struck my heart in a way that I should learn from, but am having a hard time understanding. To really be able to tell this I have to go back to about a year ago when I was given the gift of being able to pray in tongues. Ok, so sounds crazy, but it is as true as I'm typing these words. The Holy Spirit prays through my spirit and although I really don't understand the words I'm praying I understand the depth of prayer and emotion that come over me when I allow myself to pray in such an open way. Since mom died I've been afraid of prayer, real prayer....my human form can only say "Please God!" so I often find myself repeating this statement that is my only prayer. On Monday night in a meeting with beautiful Godly women we were praying prayer intentions and I just felt such pain and need from the women I was with and also felt such a need to pray for Mother/Daughter relationships. I began to pray for the first time since I said goodbye to mom....really pray. I prayed an intention for all mothers and daughters and then dropped my head and closed my eyes and allowed Him to pray through me. By Him I mean the Holy Spirit.....I felt it growing from my toes and could not contain my need to allow this to happen any more. So I prayed and although I knew not what I was saying I felt it , every bit of my spirit begging God to please help me and to please heal these women. I had a vision of Mary during this prayer and instead of leaning into her I pushed her away and thought to myself, no, I want my mom...I want Laurie, not you Mary. What you may say, but at the time I was so focused on my loss of my earthly mother that I couldn't bear to see my Heavenly one looking at me with such love. It wasn't until the next day when I slowly began to process what had happened that I began to realize a few things. First of all, yes my earthly mother is gone in the here and now, but she waits for me in eternity and one day we will be joined again and I'll feel even more love for her then than I do now. Secondly I learned that my Heavenly mother is who I really need to be fleeing to right now, she knows the pain of loss and can help me carry the pain that I am in. Mary in her love and mercy is here for me and with me now as she has always been, a loving mother, who although I can't feel or smell or hear, is constantly watching over me and is trying to comfort me in my darkness. I keep saying I want my momma, maybe I have the wrong one in mind, maybe I should be calling out to Mary to help me through this. Maybe my two mothers are now one in Spirit and are both watching over me and loving me with joy and happiness. Yes, I want my momma, I want my earthly mother, but perhaps it is time to realize that she is no longer here, that I no longer have a mother on earth and that she has now taken her place with her Mother, Mary and that the two of them will guide me through this and teach me if I allow myself to truly open to what He has waiting for me.
Jeremiah 29:11
Melanie
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